I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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