im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
