I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm just crazy horny about you
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
