haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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