ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
