So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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