I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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