I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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