So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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