Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
