Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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