Sacagawea was the original milf.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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