she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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