She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
