Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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