Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
