he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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