I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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