In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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