I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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