you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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