Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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