afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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