oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
