They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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