Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
