Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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