I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
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What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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