I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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