I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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