he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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