i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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