apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
