come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
