did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
