why im i the only drunk person in the library?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
