WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
