get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He shit in the fireplace
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
