hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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