No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
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I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
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If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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