I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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