Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
