The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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