accomplished twins. life is a go
I just found puke in my bra..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
