if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
