He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
