I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
