You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
