i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
