Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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