My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
