Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
