Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
