I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
