You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
