Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
