Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
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Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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