His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
someone owes me an orgasm
Little spoons don't ask big questions
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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