i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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