the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Life is so much better after having sex.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So. Much. Porn.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
