Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
