my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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