Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
